Jokes

[Serafima]

Laughing is making your life longer. Lets share some jokes.
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A tycoon complains to a Feng Shui expert:
"It seems that I’ve done everything the right way, I have a house in the West, a goldfield in the East, I always spend my holiday in the South, but I’m not happy!"
"It’s all because you should have been behind the bars in the North long ago."
***
And December 2012 has come… And an asteroid has appeared in the sky. And it started falling on Earth. And the panic set up on Earth, Aztec calendar ended, apocalypses is coming!
And the asteroid fell down on the stone asteroid calendar. And it was dust. And it was an explosion wave and a new Aztec calendar appeared instead of the old one – till 32 118. And another smaller stone was found nearby. And it was an inscription on it, "Next calendar will be sent to your planet on the day when the old calendar ends. Thank you for using our stone calendars!"
***
"I heard you've got married lately, right?"
"I have."
"No doubt, your wife is a beauty, isn't she?"
"She is, exactly the Venus de Milo, also armless in household. She's got all my dishes broken."
***
It took Odyssey twenty years to come back home from Troy. Surely, the gods were to blame as they impeded him in every possible way…
…At least that’s what he told his wife.
***
Two priests are fixing a board with inscription: "Stop! The end is near! Turn around before it’s too late!" A truck is passing by beside them at high speed, the driver is cursing and shaking fist at them: "Damned cultists! You screw me down!"
The car passes out of sight, the sounds of crash and bubbles are being heard. One priest says to the other: "Perhaps, you were right and we should better write, "Bridge is destroyed."
***
A man invited two girls to sauna and ordered drinks and snacks. He tells a waiter, “Please, dress a salad with vegetable oil, not mayonnaise. I’m fasting, after all!”
***
"In a Sunday school, children are taught to act according to conscience, rather than according to Freud." (Quoted by a TV show)
***
Need help in removing a curse using your photo and records of criminal convictions using the facial sketch? Call now!

[Matusya]

[Serafima]

Glad you liked it! Some more... By the way i am taking this jokes from http://www.interfax-religion.com/?act=m ... t=3&page=6

A woman came into the Church, crosses herself thrice and looks at me. Then she says: "I'm not a frequent churchgoer, but I need to pray for my son, he sits for the exam. To whom should I pray?" "To God," I answered. "Which of gods?! What is the right icon to light the candle to?"
***
The priest tells:
I was walking along the street when a dirty, bearded and shabby homeless man in his 60-s came up to me:
-Farther, stop! Tell me how to live...
- Well...To begin with, give up drinking
- I don't drink! Almost... No, tell me how to live: I'm not successful with girls!
***
From The Flowerets of John Paul II:
At some pint the journalists became especially interested in John Paul’s health and every rumor on the issue was discussed. Yet when the pope was asked about his health, he answered: ‘I don’t know, I haven’t read the morning news so far!’
***
After hearing the defender’s speech, the judge says:
‘If I understand you well, I have no choice but to declare the accused saint…
***
An atheism school teacher tells her class:
‘Now shout skyward: There’s no God!’
As she observes one boy not shouting she asks:
‘Why are you not shouting?’
‘Well, if there’s no one up there, what the sense of shouting? - he says, - And if there anybody, what the sense of shattering the relations?’
***
Enjoy!

[Matusya]

‘Well, if there’s no one up there, what the sense of shouting? - he says, - And if there anybody, what the sense of shattering the relations?’

[Serafima]

Matusya
I like that one also!

[Serafima]

A priest asks a boy who came for confession:

‘Have you ever plucked out money from the offering-box?’

‘Well, I haven’t, but I like the idea!’

[Serafima]

A church in down town Moscow. An offering box hangs at the fence. A BMW of the latest make pulls in. A New Russian gets out and, brandishing a 100-dollar banknote so that everybody may see it, comes to the box and makes his donation. He comes back to his car, drives away and runs immediately into a KAMAZ truck. Meanwhile a Mercedes with a security jeep pulls in. Another New Russian gets out and brandishing a 100-dollar banknote comes to the box and now hears a cry coming from the crushed BMW:
‘Brother! It doesn’t work!’

[Serafima]

Today, I bumped into a car trying to answer the phone call from my mother. When I took the phone and yelled "WHAT?!", she answered, "I just had a bad feeling and called you to ask if everything was all right.

One-dollar bill has met a 20-dollar banknote.
"Where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you for ages…"
"Oh, first I was spinning around the casino, and then started on a voyage. Afterwards I got back to the States, called on two baseball matches, found myself in a supermarket, so it goes… And what about you? What’s up?"
"Always the same thing, church, church and church again…"

A Pole comes into the church to the confession and tells the priest:
- Pan ksendz, I sinned.
- What kind of sin, my son?
- I deceived Jew...
Ksendz after the short meditation:
- This is not sin, my son. This is miracle!

[John]

Today, I bumped into a car trying to answer the phone call from my mother. When I took the phone and yelled "WHAT?!", she answered, "I just had a bad feeling and called you to ask if everything was all right.

One-dollar bill has met a 20-dollar banknote.
"Where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you for ages…"
"Oh, first I was spinning around the casino, and then started on a voyage. Afterwards I got back to the States, called on two baseball matches, found myself in a supermarket, so it goes… And what about you? What’s up?"
"Always the same thing, church, church and church again…"

A Pole comes into the church to the confession and tells the priest:
- Pan ksendz, I sinned.
- What kind of sin, my son?
- I deceived Jew...
Ksendz after the short meditation:
- This is not sin, my son. This is miracle!

Thank you very much, after reading this jokes I laughed myself hoarse, especially about deceiving Jew

[Serafima]

especially about deceiving Jew

that's my favorite one

Posted after 1 hour 12 minutes 17 seconds:
Two angels are speaking at the entrance to paradise:
"Look! A new party of sinners is coming! We won't let them in, their place is in hell!"
"Why to be so intolerant? They are not sinners, they're alternatively righteous. And their place is not in hell, but in paradise with alternative climate."

Two great rabbis have met in a hospitable house. They didn’t talk to each other the whole evening. When the host seeing one of them off asked for the reason of their silence, the rabbi said: "You see, I’m a great rabbi and he is a great rabbi. He knows everything and I know everything. What shall we talk about?"